the signs as shit my friend kiana has said

aries: i will Befriend This Ram
taurus: brb gotta go walk my dong
gemini: sometimes when [my dog]'s panting happily i pant back
cancer: ITS MY PARTY I CAN DISCOURSE IF I WANT TO
leo: 3oh!3 is a Pal
virgo: "i hurt my knee" "how?" "i was riding my bike indoors because no one was home and-"
libra: blood on the dance floor was very much a thing
scorpio: sorry we already left and i don't have Dong Telepathy, scott
sagittarius: Where are the onions, mom
capricorn: a diverse cast???? murder???? What more could i ask for
aquarius: @fishingboatproceeds why is there a BUG in my COFFEE
pisces: i will fight him >:( with my bare tentacles